Could this be the beginning of something huge? Or will the newspapers trivialize it to the point of ridiculousness, and then put it in the "old news" drawer?
Will people listen?
I dont feel defined by actions done by others. If I step into poop, I will not spend my life crying about it or see myself as the myopic fool who stepped into dog shit. I will be mad at the person who did not scoop after their dog. I will give responsibility where it is due.
I was harassed, fired, molested, and raped. There I said it. I think its scarier to say it than it was to experience it, in my case. It was not "hit you on the face, kick you in the stomach" raped, but more like date raped. Only it was not a date, far from it, it was a colleague who asked to lay on my couch after a work party. I did not want to, but he drove me home and said he would crash his car unless he had a coffee. Then he passed out on my couch and next thing I know he is on my bed ...well you get the picture.
When I think of these incidents, am I angry? I was angry and shameful of myself. For not thinking the worst scenario, for feeling like an object, a cum bag the other used for his pleasure. I went through the motions. I did not let it dictate my life. I put it in that little box, with all the other fingering, groping, sharing of masturbating about me, that I went through my life. I came from a place where a woman's worth is tied to her fuckability. Fair enough. That's the way of the world. But is it set in stone?
Something may be changing? It is time now to open that box.
Not to hurt that guy. Who I am sure in his mind thought that if I drank, it's because I was to shy to say I want sex. Stupidity and entitlement in all its glory.
Not to scream about the bad things that happened to me, or to be seen like a victim. Because I never saw myself as one, and I think this would have been the damaging factor.
I hate the world "survivor" it brands your whole existence, boils it up to that fucked up encounter you had with someone who took advantage of his strength, power or position. We get to put a label on top of our heads for someone else's actions? How is that making any sense?
Strength. You are so strong. Oh! Blow me. Where does it say that strength is a good virtue? Strength is needed in pressure, in problems, in crisis. I'd rather be soft any day and live an easy life.
The word predator, implies strength. Magnifies the culprit to a position above. Fuck that.
How about, tinydicked, mommas boy, maturity challenged, cross wired, entitled little man.All more accurate and more true.
Only a spoiled person, unaware of their actions, or not caring, would force his will on someone else, and hate someone or an entire sex for his shortcomings.
And this is the thing about rape culture. The guy could be a lovely human being who thought that this is the way to do things. We act upon our beliefs. Rape culture is also what could make people look at me and say "oh she is the one that got raped". Stuck in their heads, an incident that is not defining me, but that will make my life harder, because now, if I am angry, its because of "this". If I have something to say, it has less value because of what "I went through". A nice little pat on the head, an understanding condescending look as if something in me is damaged, wrong and I should be seen with sympathy. It s so ridiculously funny and tragic at the same time, because to me, and without down playing the fact I was not asked if I wanted to take part in that sexual encounter, it was maybe classified in the same area with my pity fucks. Yes, when you are young you do stupid things and you bounce better our of situations. At least I did.
I was more hurt by my husbands infidelity and cruelty and it did change me in more ways imaginable than having an ugly, desperate, sneaky man trying to get what he would never have in normal circumstances. I hope he enjoyed the passed out, non responsive me. He will have to live with it, every time he will look at his daughter. As for me, it was just stepping in poo. I smelled for a while, but I m not the anus that produced that shit. Its not mine.
I keep writing about these things for years. About how the road has been paved with women and children's usage. Be it in mines ( yes, still today, phone user, aka purchaser of cobalt), in the sex industry, or in everyday life.
I kept talking about pedophilia, how I had more than 4 encounters before I hit my teens, and unless I was the most "sexy" or unlucky child in the world, that shows how many of them exist. I know 8 women, who had the same experiences, 3 full rape, and by family members.
These encounters led me to believe that there should be a triage and make a difference between the sadistic rapists who take pleasure out of pain and see children or women as a stepping stone to feel powerful, and the ones that try to seduce children, totally convinced that they "love" them, and "love their purity". These are not made overnight. A 14 year-old boy, will want to experiment with a 6 year old, as it happened to me. See them naked, stuff like that. These kids, grow thinking there is something wrong with them, as all teenagers do, even without these tendencies. But you can only loathe yourself that much. At some point, you need to accept who you are, so you find others like you, and you convince yourself society is not ready for you, although people like you existed forever. You dig into history- preferably Greek- and you enhance your belief that you have an orientation. These people are not killers, and putting them in the same sentencing group as the ones that kill and rape, will only increase the probability of a child being killed. These people need to be studied, but it is such a taboo, that we have very little info. Parents rage at the idea of someone touching their child, as they should, but we are not really advancing if we dont sit down and separate things, study their methods, and find in our kids what it is that they could appeal to.
I wrote a book about it, a few years back, it was too crude for kids, but it did offer an insight on why a 12 year old may be attracted to a 25 year old. I explained, in my own words and demystified a few things. But no one bought-since its not visible, it so I m not sure it s a good attempt or not.
Back to the adult rape, harassment and misconduct. Harassment, is not two equal adults in the same position. I had a colleague who kept telling me he masturbates for me. I was shocked. Then I told him I'd help him but I dont have tweezers. I ridiculed him and lowered him to his true level. I was not impressed. He did not get my look, I was not smiling. When he brushed his penis on my hand that was on the corner of my desk, I grabbed it and twitched it. He never came near me again. Politically incorrect? maybe. But I could hold my own, I am not helpless in this situation, he has no power over me. He is a jerk off, and I refuse to give him more power by making him feel his penis is a threat to me. His penis is the A and Omega in his mind. Not mine. I truth, I have heels bigger than his dick, to quote a famous line.
But if it was my boss, I had bills to pay, and he would do the same thing, it would be a different situation. I know many women who did comply, in Greece during the crisis. Because they had no child support ( the Greek government was not so understanding in their cases), because they were in immediate danger of survival. So they went along to flatter their fat ugly bosses, and accepted "his help", because you know, "he cares about her and her children". That is harassment. Co-hersion.
You want more examples? The guy who ejaculates in the coffee of the girl he likes and watches her drink it. The guy who calls you a whore in the street because you did not respond. The guy who lies to be your friend, then hates you for not putting out as if he has a share that he is entitled to, of your body. The guy who tells you he masturbates for you. The guy who asks if he can masturbate in front of you. I dont care how likeable he is, Louis. The guy who says you were asking for it, because you drank or wore a mini skirt, oblivious of the fact you may enjoy not feeling too hot, or the buzz of a beer, and you are not driven to do things because of HIS presence. The guy who grabs the nipple of a nursing mother because it was his fantasy, and laughs it off when she protests as if it is no big deal. It is a big deal, and making us feel stupid or silly for expecting respect is not ok. Judging a person who did not act in any way, by someone elses actions, is not ok. Believing women are like your mother, ecstatic at your every fart and then get angry when you realize you are not even on their radar, is not ok.
And I truly hope, this #metoo movement will stick to the essence. We are equal. we have equal rights to safety, to freedom, to respect. # metoo is not about some schmuck that told you you have a nice ass. #metoo is not about a referee getting used at every butt hurt, rude obnoxious comment. We are adult women, human beings, capable of shutting down an idiot.
#metoo is for every time a woman felt helpless, hopeless, powerless, ridiculed, humiliated just because she wanted to work or liked a guy. A guy who worships his junk, identifies with his junk, and uses it as a double sword. Hating the women that worship it or like it, hating the women that ignore it.
#metoo is not about me. # metoo is about that empty thing around a penis, and it's time to take the force out of that flacid lightsaber.
And just a little reminder:
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