#metoo

I don't like the word "survivor"
I don't like to be defined by something that happened to me, putting aside everything else, I am.
I don't like the word to come to me, if any word should be used after rape or assault.

I don't want the forced respect out of an action that lacked respect.
I don't want pity, as if something was taken from me, but hey, I m still breathing.

I want to be able to chose. Back then and now.
And I chose to call him a predator, an asshole, an entitled narcissist, and put the focus on his sorry ass.
Not on me. I refused to be defined by an encounter he did and took what he needed not out of his merit, his charm or his aura, but by force, by bullying or by drugging.


My first boyfriend was more experienced than I was. He used to pressure me to use my tongue when I was kissing him, he was "teaching" me and I was shy, but also playing the game of a modest girl as my culture had taught me. Soon the teachings escalated to other areas of our sexuality and pretty soon I would get slapped for not engaging in oral sex, while being screamed at, that he was not disgusting.

A colleague took advantage of my hospitality and my sleep after an evening out in the town with the whole crew.

A colleague reached out and grabbed my breasts full of milk, and unapologetic said he had a fetish. In my own home. I was shocked and disgusted at his paw on my baby's food.

An old man tried to finger me at age 9 when I said goodbye and he lifted me in his arms.

A boy of 14 tried to undress me at 7 in the toilets of a Hotel.

9 men put me through "trial" a warm summer night and condemned me to be their toy, but changed their mind last minute, when I was 17. Maybe because they saw the determination in my eyes, to jump of the cliff we were standing on?  They would not have touched me, not just because they had a piece of limp meat between their legs. Not if I had something to say.

I lost my job due to advances at least 8 times. I lost another 4 jobs due to their wives seeing me. I was told by police officers that I must be a lesbian if I get so upset  over a guy "hitting" on me.

I had 3 guys in total that would not take no for an answer and would a) call every day b) try to "kill" themselves, or get physical when they finally got it, that I was not playing "games" but I was truly not interested.

I m a woman. They are garbage. I am not a survivor, I am not the only one, I have 9 friends that were raped or assaulted by a family member at a young age. Others were seduced.
I know more than 5- women that got hired when they lost weight and who had to hide they had children to their bosses.

I am not a survivor, I am not the only one.
The world needs to change. In a world where serial killers become famous and their victims faceless, we tend to put a face on rape victims and make their rapist faceless. Time to switch things around.