I love

I cant sleep tonight.
I am moved and restless. I saw you after nearly 3 years and the sleeping spell I imposed to my heart was broken into million pieces.
I felt your hands on me, your mouth, I remembered physically how it felt to be one with you.

Then I felt shame. For my looks, my age, my longing.
I know you dont feel the same, I am ok with it. Was ok with it. I am ok with the natural course of you needing something other than what I am, I dont feel rejected.
I feel rejected by life.
Squeezed out of it, like toothpaste out of a tube.
Loosing you is the equivalent of loosing my youth, and no matter how much I need and want to be young, pretty and with options again, that will never happen.
You and I will never happen.
And I thought I was ok with it.

But seing you, I realized how much I want to live, how much I want, and that in fact I am not settled to die and let go.
I have been steadily walking towards death for the past 5 years. I put on weight, I cut my hair, I lost my will and power to live.
Not because of you of course.
But because my life had no love. And without love, I stop to thrive.

I became concerned with money, worried, and obsessed about bills... I dont do well alone, I admit it for the first time. I need to be with someone who grounds me, holds me, love me. Then I can carry us both, like a faithful ox, a horse, a loyal dog.

But I need to have that guide, that light in my heart, that sparks my brain with hormones.

You were my one true love, my only love, although I feel in love with many. It was not your character. It was not the best.
It was not your sex drive, but our chemistry. It was your heart, your youth, your talent, your smiling eyes when you would see me coming, your eyebrow going up as you played the guitar, and your mouth breathing as you were on top of me.

I want to lose the weight.
I want to live.
I m not good at paying bills, at taking care of another human being, I only know how to sacrifice. And I have.
But now I want to come back to being me.

I dont know if coming back to Greece will be good for me. I dont like the idea of being in the same land as you, so close. It is easier to be far away, and maybe when I married him, I was running away from the pain that I would inevitably feel when we separated.

I want to live.
I think I woke up from a long period of depression.
I let myself go, and now I want to come back. To me, to feeling like me.